


that bridge is on fire

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girl's Generation | SNSD
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, F/F, Romance, Sicagate, girls!, so many feelings, this just happened omg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 10:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4702823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The truth: she thinks about Jessica a lot. Not Jessica, but Sooyeon. For a number reasons, it usually dictates itself to "Is she eating well?" or when she's monitoring-but-not-monitoring on the internet, it's more like "She looks exhausted --" with the hope that the other girls don't catch her.</i>
</p><p>Taeyeon, Jessica, and an exercise in telephones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	that bridge is on fire

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know, you guys. Apparently I have a lot of feelings about things.

The truth: she thinks about Jessica a lot. Not Jessica, but Sooyeon. For a number reasons, it usually dictates itself to "Is she eating well?" or when she's monitoring-but-not-monitoring on the internet, it's more like "She looks exhausted --" with the hope that the other girls don't catch her.

It's a problem. It's a big problem.

It lends itself to an already hard night too. Their car is an accident. It's nothing major. It's still terrifying, given the history of accidents lately and within their own company. But they're late to their performance and their manager has already made all the calls so that their performance can be pushed back to later in the show. All the girls are huddled off the road, while she stands with their manager, listening intently to his conversation with a police officer.

Her phone vibrates. Taeyeon frowns and looks to the car. Tiffany is wrapping an arm around Seohyun. Sooyoung is on her phone and Hyoyeon just kicks the tire. Then her phone vibrates again.

"I just called them," she mutters, blinking. The manager pats her arm and she steps to the side, turning her phone over.

_sooyeon_

Instinctively she flinches. Then her phone vibrates again. Then again. And again. She watches it light up: _sooyeon_ , _sooyeon_ , _sooyeon_.

Taeyeon swallows and steps to the side. She looks around, watching the lights of the police car brighten again. She presses the phone to her ear and she breathes.

"Hi."

The other line is fuzzy. "Are you all right?" and of course, Jessica is nothing but frank. "What happened?"

"It was minor," she answers quietly. "Scary," she admits. "But someone else's fault." Her sneakers push into the sidewalk. "We're fine."

"You don't sound fine," Jessica retorts. There's no malice in her voice and she's gotten used to not picturing the other woman with tears, angry, violent tears because that was the last time she really saw Jessica and it's just never the best feeling.

Taeyeon shrugs, as if she could see her. "I don't know what else to say. We're late to the performance and the company is freaking out a little bit. I had to call them to make sure they weren't going to blame oppa, even though there's going to be a police report and --"

"I know how they are."

"I know you do," Taeyeon says.

She tries to listen to the other line. She hears echoes of voices and figures, she is at the airport again. These days, it seems that Jessica is living in and out of airports, always in China, always in New York.

There is a pause though. Jessica sighs and there's a soft yawn.

"Sorry," she says finally. "My flight is delayed."

"Oh." Taeyeon shuffles forward, glancing at the car. "Are you sleeping --"

"I'm fine." There's no malice in her voice and she listens to Jessica laugh softly. "I promise," she says too. 

"You look tired," is out of her mouth before she can stop it and her mind is spinning, just a little, because this is ridiculous. She should be focusing on the group and the girls and _god_ , they are going to be late.

"I am." There's a pause and she can hear Jessica say a small _thank you_. She sighs. "I'm managing, Taengoo. It's a little lonely, a lot harder at times, but I can't live --"

Taeyeon swallows. "I see."

She can almost see Jessica shaking her head. She _knows_ that habit. It happened every time she missed the point, or one of the others missed the point. Her mouth feels heavy and dry and she almost says something, but the energy for the argument isn't there.

"I won't go there with you."

Taeyeon turns back towards the car. "I know," she says. "I don't expect you too, Sooyeon."

"If I lived with regret," she says and there is something so warm about Jessica's voice, something that pits that longing into her throat, that makes Taeyeon start to tremble, just a little, to almost panic and say to herself _think of the girls, think of the girls_ but ultimately, this is what makes Jessica the most terrifying person in her life. 

But Jessica finishes, as always.

"We wouldn't be able to move forward again," she says.

This is the first call.

 

 

 

 

Taeyeon does not tell the other girls that they've talked. She suspects that she is not the first one and that would probably go to Yoona or Yuri, since some things cannot change.

But it's Sooyoung that approaches her first, that takes her aside and pulls her to breakfast.

"When did she call?"

Taeyeon blinks and watches Sooyoung steal fruit off her plate. The other woman chews and Taeyeon sighs, pushing the plate to her.

"Who?" she asks and Sooyoung rolls her eyes, pushing the plate back.

"Jessica," Sooyoung answers. She tilts her head to the side and Taeyeon watches as her eyes become dark and knowing. "You're terrible at keeping secrets. You've had the Jessica face for the last couple of weeks. And --" she pauses, reaching for her coffee. "We all saw the New York footage."

Taeyeon feels her face burn. She hides her gaze, her bangs dropping into her eyes and oh god, she does not have a Jessica face. She plays with the silverware in front of her.

"Fany's worried," Sooyoung adds.

"She hasn't said anything," Taeyeon mutters.

"Why would she? The elephant in the room is different for everyone, especially you."

She tries not to groan. Her hands come up to her face and they are soft and cold. She pulls at her hair and this is crazy, one call and everybody seems to know something that she doesn't.

"I don't want to talk about it." 

Her response is muffled. Her head is starting to hurt and this is _ridiculous_ , she should be able save some kind of face.

"That's okay, you know."

Taeyeon looks up at Sooyoung, surprised. She shrugs and spears a piece of melon onto her fork, shoving it in front of her face.

"Open," she says and Taeyeon obeys. "You don't have to say anything," Sooyoung tells her, "to any of us -- but you do have to take care of yourself and be honest."

She offers the fork again, staring at her thoughtfully. There's some warmth to it and the corners of Sooyoung's mouth are starting to turn into some kind of smile. This, Taeyeon thinks, this is why she still does it.

Taeyeon takes another bite.

 

 

 

 

The second call is her fault, totally her fault, but no regrets, right? She's home, alone, and news about her sister signing to the company has just come out, so she's not in the mood for comparison articles since that's already going to happen, tonight and at the airport, as they all head out to go to Japan.

Jessica picks up on the fifth ring and laughs.

"Really?"

She shrugs like she can see her. "I have no one else to talk to," she says.

"That's a lie." Taeyeon listens to paper rustling. "You have a bunch of people," and Jessica is teasing her, her voice warm. "You hate talking to me anyway -- we always fight."

"Not always."

"Mostly," Jessica counters and Taeyeon does laugh, _really_ laugh and the sound seems so foreign to her. It feels like a kiss, a little too intimate to be anything otherwise.

"Are you eating?"

"A salad," there is a pause and Jessica sighs. "Well, I was. But it looks gross now."

"Where are you?" She imagines a variety of answers because she knows that the pictures of her and the airport have grown, that everyone is commenting about how much prettier she looks. 

"Home." She sounds thoughtful. "Seoul. I got in last night. I'm here for a couple of days."

"Oh."

Jessica laughs. "You sound disappointed."

Taeyeon smoothes her hair down. Her suitcase is by the door. She thinks to herself _nine o'clock_ because the girls have their schedule and she finished the earliest today.

"I --" She swallows. "Should I feed you?"

"Do you have time?" is the reply and Jessica sounds a little breathless, a little worried, and what is even happening now?

"I think so."

There is no reply of directions (she knows) or any of the usual 'is this okay' fanfare that should be happening between the two of them (it won't), but Taeyeon's heart is racing and she's excited and anxious.

"Ten minutes then?" Jessica asks.

Taeyeon doesn't reply. She is already walking out the door.

 

 

 

 

There are a million different things going through her head, but the most that is prominent, that Taeyeon can actualize, is _I didn't think this through_. She has never trained herself to think about herself in that way which, if anything, is why she is so clumsy in these situations.

She finds the apartment with no problems. She isn't worried about Soojung because they are already in Japan for the concert, her and the other f(x) girls, and walks right up to the door. Her hand hovers over the door.

Then Jessica is opening it.

They both stop. Taeyeon freezes first, wide-eyed. Internet pictures are different. Her mouth open and close. Jessica tilts her head to the side and takes her in, not hiding any kind of nuances to her gaze.

"You're still the prettiest," she says too.

Taeyeon's face burns. "Sooyeon-ah."

Jessica shrugs and grabs her hand, lacing their fingers together. She yanks her inside.

"I ordered in," she says. "I figured you haven't had anything to eat since you're a nervous flier and will probably have something unhealthy last minute."

"I know how to use a toaster," Taeyeon says dryly.

Jessica shrugs. "So do I," she says at the same time. "But I eat actual meals."

They're still holding hands.

It's different, so different, being older and wiser and just there, standing in the semi-darkness of her apartment. It's so Jessica, she thinks, looking around, or _trying_ to look around, taking in the urban, unfinished space. There is a lot of work, a lot of color, a lot of Soojung and Sooyeon and their warm sense of chaos. It feels like a home.

But it fades as a haze, those thoughts, and her fingers flicker against the back of Jessica's hand. She touches the softness of her knuckles and finally lets herself take the other woman in. She's in jeans, her hair is loose and wild, and her feet are bare. She's relaxed and that unmanageable sense of jealousy is there.

Taeyeon lets go first.

"How long for the food?" she asks and her arms wrap in front of her chest.

Jessica shrugs. "Thirty minutes." She seems unfazed and walks up the stairs to the kitchen, motioning for Taeyeon to follow. "They're usually on time -- at the very least, I can send you with food on the way."

There are papers all over the table, some hastily tucked into files. She sees numbers and sketches, some beautiful sketches, all seem shy and quiet and something that intensely private. Taeyeon has always understood that she doesn't know how to be part of this world. Fashion was dictated batter to Sooyoung and Jessica, especially the latter, who always seemed to just _know_.

"You're busy," she murmurs.

"Stop it," Jessica says and merely pushes away at her work. She quickly braids her hair into something off of her shoulder. "You came here and I think that's more important."

It's the first time Jessica has even said anything about _anything_ , the first time in person where there's not a thousand of them, company employees, or some kind of intervention. Her heart is ready to launch out of her throat and her breathing starts to change. It's a little shallow, a little heavy and it's just _now_.

"This is exhausting," she says out loud and she could talk about all the things that are true, sling accusations and hear them back. But she doesn't. She sort of sinks back into herself, feeling almost defeating. "I can't worry about you --"

"I never asked you to," Jessica says.

Her voice is soft and warm. She steps forward and Taeyeon extends her hand. She doesn't know why she does, but it's a natural reaction. Their fingers lace together and she squeezes. She needs it.

"Old habits," she quips weakly. Jessica steps further into her space, her teeth sinking into her lip. Taeyeon is very aware, very warm, and her throat is starting to burn. "I worry about you a lot," Taeyeon continues. "I never wanted --"

"I know," Jessica murmurs. "I know."

"But do you," she continues. "You left angry and upset. I know you -- you're probably still angry and upset. You hold onto things because you punish yourself just as much as --"

"You do," the other woman finishes. She shrugs. "I didn't tell you to come over because I wanted to hear about how much of a petty child I am."

"That's not --"

"Stop it," Jessica cuts her off. Frustrated, Jessica sighs too. She runs a hand through her hair. 

Taeyeon watches her as she leans back, away, and there's something missing again and it's very, very _real_. Jessica stands away from her, leaning against the kitchen sink, and she can only feel herself shuffle forward.

"I don't want to fight," she says quietly.

Jessica shakes her head. "I know you're angry with me," she murmurs. "I didn't say you shouldn't be. I would be angry at me too, I think. Believe me, it's like going through all the stages of grief --" Jessica laughs and her voice is thick and husky and for the first time, Taeyeon realizes that this is an actual conversation and this is an actual conversation between them.

"I don't feel angry."

Taeyeon admits it, out loud, and it's in the open, as equally terrifying as having Jessica here, standing in her home, knowing that she's standing in her home and _close_ to her.

"I'm sad," she continues and suddenly, she's right in front of Jessica. She becomes aware of the space too, dropping a hand on the counter space next to her. "I'm sad a lot," she says. "I don't know how to be sad. I can sing and be sad. I can write songs and be sad. I can channel the rest of it into being a good leader, in making sure we're on the same page, and then there's my family." She meets Jessica's gaze. "I don't even know where to start with that."

Jessica is quiet. Her eyes are wide and bright. Her head falls to the side and Taeyeon watches her hair slip further out of her braid, spilling against her cheeks. She swallows and reaches out, tucking some of her hair behind her ear.

"Every time I feel like I'm ready to come to terms with myself, I take two steps back and get lost."

Her fingers start to drag down Jessica's face, along her jaw, and she's not stopping her, why isn't she stopping her.

"You have to fight for where you want to go next," Jessica murmurs and then, there, is when Taeyeon decides to do something stupid.

Her mouth covers Jessica's.

It doesn't matter what she was going to say next. This is so stupid and when Jessica's mouth opens back against her own, she swallows that soft, wet sigh from her too. She breathes into her, stepping into her legs and dragging a hand into Jessica's hair to pull her closer.

The kiss is messy, needy at best -- Jessica bites back at her lip, sucks after, and earns a low, resounding hiss from Taeyeon because it has always been like this between them. Then Taeyeon feels the hand at her back, then slowly the fingers starting to slide along her spine and then her hip and underneath her shirt.

Then the doorbell buzzes.

"They're early," Jessica breathes, eyes half-closed. Her voice sounds sleepy and her hand is still open palmed against Taeyeon's hip. "I --"

"Should go," Taeyeon finishes.

She tangles away in a panic, a slow panic because her hands are going to _shake_. It doesn't matter if Jessica has the presence of mind to say something, anything, to take away from what just happened.

"Take the noodles," Jessica just says, walking behind her to come and pay. There is no resignation in her voice. She's sharp again. "You should eat on your way home," she says.

Taeyeon obeys and grabs the first cab she finds. She has an hour. It's what she tells herself. She has an hour, her mouth is not hot, her lips aren't _that_ soft, and the girls will be back for their trip to Japan.

When she gets back, the noodles go hot into the trash.

 

 

 

 

In Japan, Tiffany corners in her in their room with a tub of ice cream and only _one_ spoon.

"I can't stand it anymore," she says, eyebrow raised. Taeyeon can only watch helplessly from the bed by the window.

Their schedule has been too busy here -- busy enough so that Taeyeon can actively avoid Soojung, try and bury herself in the sites and all the schedules that they _do_ have, and not think about that time that she made out with Jessica in her damn kitchen. Tiffany though is staring at her as if she has grown a second head and pity too, like she probably should never, ever play the lottery.

"What did I do?" she asks tiredly, gently. She opens her mouth and Tiffany shoves a spoonful of ice cream in her mouth.

The other woman shrugs. "You did something," she says. "And you've been moody every since. It's not the car accident because that's over. It's not the --"

"Have you talked to Sooyeon?" she blurts.

Tiffany's eyes are wide. Her mouth opens and close. Her legs drop from the side of the bed in front of her and the hand holding the ice cream almost goes limp.

"Oh," she says. " _Oh._."

Taeyeon looks away. Her head hurts. Her phone has been weirdly silent; then again, she's always thought the last couple times have been a weird, universal fluke or test, really _the_ test, to see if they could talk to each other.

"We're supposed to have lunch when I go to California," Tiffany says carefully. "I asked her."

"You did?"

Tiffany shrugs. "We have to start mending somehow, you know? The mistake we made was talking about things with everyone else there and not, you know, just us. We all used to talk about things just between _us_."

The anxiety twists around her chest and pulls at her stomach. She stares blankly at the space in front of her, her mind drifting back to that space, the kitchen, and the softness of Jessica's fingers against her skin.

"Am I the only one not moving forward?" she asks then, her voice croaking. She feels like crying and holds her shoulders back, just a little tighter. 

Tiffany's hand drops over hers, lacing their fingers. She squeezes them gently and Taeyeon swears, swears she's going to start crying. There is something too earnest about Tiffany's gaze. There always has been, ever since they debuted and it was the nine of them, trying to get over things like boys and diets and the awful things people can say when they have the right platform. Tiffany could always be stronger for all of them and then, of course, there was Jessica and her steely gaze and the icy turn of her mouth, holding Yoona and her worries, Yuri and Sooyoung and Hyoyeon through all their stupid, jail breaking dorm ideas, and Soonkyu --

"I feel like I am," she says too. "I miss her and hate that I miss her. I hate that we're all still girls in a way and that the one to break away --"

"You can't think that." Tiffany's fingers brush against her face. Her lips curl and flicks at her nose. "We all need to stop resenting her for something that she wanted to do. Maybe it hadn't been ... the best way for us or her or whatever. But we all love each other."

There is something that shifts in Tiffany's gaze that makes Taeyeon try and shrink into herself. It's like something is there, tight and ready to explode against her mouth.

"She loves you, you know."

Taeyeon blinks and Tiffany goes back to her ice cream, spooning some into her own mouth.

"I --" Taeyeon stops herself. Her cheeks are warm. "I don't know what to say."

Tiffany shrugs.

"You'll figure it out," she says. Then she grins, pointing her spoon at her. "Or she'll kill you. And you know that's true."

Taeyeon laughs. It isn't heavy.

 

 

 

 

Standing outside the door to Jessica's apartment, Taeyeon realizes that she should have probably checked with Soojung that her sister was still in the city -- not that she didn't obsessively monitor the internet to the point where both Sooyoung and Tiffany staged an intervention and did something to her Google alert. She is probably making excuses. She also does that a lot.

She presses the buzzer twice. She waits for the third time, figuring that she can probably catch Jessica on her way out or something entirely crazy like that. Maybe she should write a letter. Or brought flowers. Or groceries because, if anything, Jessica has probably upgraded herself to healthy dose of takeout and instant macaroni and cheese.

She sits on the stairs and eyes the bag at her feet.

"I'm not sure how I feel," she says out loud, brushing her fingers against her lip. Her phone bumps it too and she sighs. 

You kissed her, she tells herself.

"I liked it," she says too.

There's a click and the sound of a latch. She hears a laugh before anything registers.

"Hi."

Taeyeon turns, but just slightly. She sees Jessica leaning against the door. "Hi," she confirms then.

She pushes herself up to stand and kicks her bag forward. Her gaze drinks Jessica in and lands on the dress that barely skims her knees.

"Not working?"

Jessica shrugs. "I have to leave for Singapore in a couple of days. Working from home is both a blessing and a curse. And I wanted to clean and make sure that Soojung has meals to eat from."

"You cook?" Taeyeon half-teases, grin widening when Jessica's eyes narrow.

"I learned," she defends herself. "My mom staged a pretty successful intervention, actually. For work-life-balance and not killing my baby sister, or something like that."

Taeyeon laughs, then exhales, gesturing awkwardly to her bag and the door.

"I want to talk," she says. She bites her lip. "I don't know how to start, but I want to."

Jessica watches her and her gaze is so heavy, almost unbearably so -- to the point where Taeyeon is nearly unnerved and has to remind herself that this is Sooyeon and Sooyeon's bright, steady gaze and of course, _of course_ she is going to get under her skin.

She doesn't move from the doorframe.

"You kissed me," Jessica says instead.

Taeyeon nods. "I did." Her gaze drops and she's smiling shyly, nervously. There are knots in her belly and her fingers tremble. "I'm probably going to do it again."

"Oh." There's slight validation in hearing Jessica's breathing change. It's how Taeyeon thinks; patterns in breathing, she can pick out how quickly Jessica is ready to say something, do something, or how her voice is just going to explode. There's softness this time: " _Oh_ ," she says again. "Okay," Jessica manages.

Taeyeon bites at her mouth, then reaches forward, taking that step again and grabbing Jessica's hand. She's careful to lace their fingers and it feels weirdly poignant this time. This is a big step, even bigger than the first and the one before that. She thinks in motions then: her bag is kicked forward, her hand is on Jessica's hip and one of them closes the door behind them.

Her mouth slides over Jessica's gently. It's slow and she feels herself start to tremble, even as Jessica brings a hand to grab at her hair.

She bites lightly. "I'm not good at this, you know."

"No one ever said you had to be, Taengoo." Jessica's hips push forward against hers and Taeyeon realizes that she has them pressed against the door now. "I'm not good at this either," Jessica murmurs and then, then, she's kissing her again.

It's different this time. It's slow. It builds and burns and twists, stealing away every last bit of Taeyeon's sanity. She starts to think about the rise and fall of Jessica's belly against hers and how suddenly, somehow, she is moving her hand under her, between them, and hiking up Jessica's dress just so she can remember the way the other woman breathes. But when Jessica's tongue rolls in her mouth, she catches her own breath and forgets everything, only to moan and skid her fingers over the tops of Jessica's thighs.

When they break away, Jessica's pulled her t-shirt from her shorts and their legs are tangled. She rests her forehead against Jessica's and they stare at each other, neither of them willing to move away just yet.

Taeyeon tries to get words out. "So ..." she breathes. Then she exhales. "That."

"Yeah." Jessica's mouth twitches and there are butterflies in Taeyeon's stomach. "I guess we'll work our way up to talking?"

"Probably not," Taeyeon says dryly.

Jessica snorts and then tugs lightly at her ponytail, her fingers skirting against the back of her neck.

"Sounds like us," she agrees and there's warmth, of course. Neither of them are turning away. "We can always go to bed."

Taeyeon's face is warm, but she doesn't say no because she's not stupid and the fact remains: she wouldn't mind kissing Jessica to sleep. And continue kissing her.

Beyond that, she is here and they're close. They're not okay, but maybe they'll get there. Maybe they won't. This is an even bigger step for the both of them and it feels like something she needs to do. This is what it feels like to miss someone, after all. 

Jessica's head tilts forward and she can't help herself. Her mouth brushes over her nose. She doesn't need all the answers, she thinks.

"Breakfast in the morning then," she says too. She lets Jessica take the first step forward and holds onto her hand tightly, if anything. "I want to see if you can actually cook."

Jessica laughs and it's almost painfully bright. The sound feels like home.


End file.
